Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?

T A S M A N I A

-Oh shit we called the wrong devils

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol