nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
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I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.