Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”