Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.