Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
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Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.