Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

husband: *worrying*

me: I don’t think you should worry about that

husband: well what should I worry about instead then

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday