Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

Breaking news:

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

The opposite of Iceland is water water

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.