Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

*seductively peels off lederhosen

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.