Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

Anime is real

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no