Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

translated into Canadian

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.