Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
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Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
just gave your address to some spiders
your honor my client chooses dare
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
live long and prosper!
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”