My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
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My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.