Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

This probably isn’t good

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

Yup

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword