Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
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My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I am HOWLING at this
Life with a cat in one tweet
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze