Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

I saw nothing

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

Always this one for me forever

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.