Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

making my dog give me my pills

Smooooooth

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.