Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d hang this in my house.

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!