Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

I don’t get marriage

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

Rambo Rambow

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.