Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight