Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.