NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
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[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I think about this a lot
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.