nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
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Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward