nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
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I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
