Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

I finally found a reason to live again.

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

Be vigilant

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.