@justokpanda

Nobody:

Me: *dramatic deep sigh*

Nobody:

Me: I just feel bad, you’re the best cat and I gave you a stupid name. I love you so much, bud

Nobody: [purrs]

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@knot_eye

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

@backporchlady

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

@rockymomax

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

@RainbowJohnJ

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

@TheBoydP

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

@SeiYoung83

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

@edawg_eric

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

@Norsebysw

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

@petfurniture

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

@tracietom

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.