Me: *dramatic deep sigh*


Me: I just feel bad, you’re the best cat and I gave you a stupid name. I love you so much, bud

Nobody: [purrs]

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ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload


I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.


Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.


Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.


Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.


I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.


If you’re in a Mexican prison, “Jesus loves you” might not be very comforting words…