Me: *dramatic deep sigh*


Me: I just feel bad, you’re the best cat and I gave you a stupid name. I love you so much, bud

Nobody: [purrs]

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*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]


My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.


ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them


*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”


Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…


“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”



*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.


He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.


“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly


I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.