@justokpanda

Nobody:

Me: *dramatic deep sigh*

Nobody:

Me: I just feel bad, you’re the best cat and I gave you a stupid name. I love you so much, bud

Nobody: [purrs]

You Might Also Like

@joejwest

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

@TwatWaffler69

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

@primawesome

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

@WilliamAder

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

@vineyille

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

@TheSuccuBish

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

@Terdoh

If you’re in a Mexican prison, “Jesus loves you” might not be very comforting words…