What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
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More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.