Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
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[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
This makes total sense…
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally