Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Managing expectations