Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
The Eggorcist
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”