Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

Pass gas, not judgment.

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!