Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
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I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Weirdly Wednesday.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”