Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

Oh hi lol

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

Bill is short for Billiam

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash