Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

Saw this yesterday lol

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam