Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

I hope this email finds you in a well

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!