Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
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[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat