Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
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Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.