Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
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Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
“You’d better run, egg!”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.