Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
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Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
We don’t deserve birds.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.