Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
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I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.