Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
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Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.