Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
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Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I might give this a try 😏
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin