Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise