nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
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Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
dating is so overrated. let’s just get married