Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

Well, shit

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

My love language is deader than Latin

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

“I really like Eminem.”

” I prefer smarties.”

“No, the rapper.”

“Why would you eat the wrapper?”

#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.