nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
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My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Well, shit
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My love language is deader than Latin
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.