nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
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dutch is not a serious language
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.