nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
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Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
#SCOTUS one-star review
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):