Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
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Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Labreador
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are