Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
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Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!