Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
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Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.