Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

Unimpressed

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years