Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
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Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons