nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
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Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
superman landing like a plane on his belly
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
rapatouille
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.