Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

they split up moments later

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?