nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
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You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.