You Might Also Like
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
💀💀
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.