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Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.