nobody’s gonna understand
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7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.