nobody’s gonna understand
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Air conditioning – not a fan
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.