Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.