Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.