Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

Reporter: *ports again*

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.