Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.