Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
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I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
sleeping beauty
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.