Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

Holy moly

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it