Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

Why the hell does that hurt now?

Me, waking up every morning.

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.