Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…