Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.