Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

*sewing*

A thread

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab