nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
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Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
dictator is short for richard potato
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
No, I don’t think I will.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm