Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

Is this a threat?

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

This sounds bad:

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..